Welcome to Home Depot, Mr Bond
by tmwillson3
Summary: What if James Bond got stuck in Home Depot with another person, and they had could only use what was inside Home Depot to fight back and escape? This is that story, and yes it is ridiculous. This is an entry for a contest using an OC by another author, where this OC meets James Bond, and they have a small adventure together. Thanks for reading and commenting!


**Author's Disclaimer**: No, I do not own any of the characters or settings. Not Bond, Felix, Q, or anyone else from that world. Nor do I own Gene or Jade; both are OC's from rollingbell. I also do not own Home Depot (though they do have some lovely things that I have bought) or the idea for the "hot dog stand of doom". Please read the author's notes for full details. Otherwise, I hope you will enjoy!

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**Welcome to Home Depot, Mr. Bond**

_Boston, during the American Revolution_

Jade Martson was skeptical.

After Gene, her loyal friend, decided to go through another time portal to visit friends, he decided to go ahead in time for once, a bit further than he normally did. Sometimes it was interesting when he did, as he came back with stories and new weapons to try out. However, this time was different. He had met someone, and now he wanted her to meet him. Another assassin.

Really? Another assassin? A male? What was the point? Where were the females? It was the modern times apparently. Things were supposed to be different, females being "liberated" somehow. She rather doubted it.

Sure, he was famous. World-renown, even. But why was it necessary to meet him? She had enough to do within the brotherhood she was a part of. She had thirteen hours to meet and discuss tactics with him; hopefully she would learn something.

And so, because she was nice to Gene sometimes, she went along with the plan. It was only thirteen hours. How much could go wrong?

ll===- D -

ll

Jade stepped through the time portal to the modern century, and ended up in a strange white room, with nothing in it, other than a window, a door, two chairs, and a well-dressed male occupying one of those chairs.

Upon seeing her, he got up and made his way to her.

"Who are you?"

"Bond, James Bond."

"I see. Jade Martson at your service. So, is it true that you are a modern assassin?"

"Who told you that?"

"Gene. The dark-haired gentleman who arranged this meeting."

"Him. The bloke with longer hair who rather insisted upon this? I admit this was not at a part of my schedule today, as I came to Boston for the express purpose to meet with Felix Leiter about some rather delicate matters that should not be delayed. But, seeing as the door and window refuse to budge, despite all of my attempts to the contrary, I suppose I need to speak with you briefly."

"What did you try to do to break through? Did you try kicking down the door?"

"Of course I did," he said with some irritation, "as it is the most logical thing to try."

"Well, I thought I would check. Some people don't quite think it through, like those ignorant British redcoats. So, what is your preferred method for removing your targets? Knife through the back? A few well-placed shots?"

Bond squinted a little harder at Jade.

"Of course, I carry my Walther at all times, but that does not mean that I use it every time. I like to think of myself as less predictable than that. I use whatever methods are at my disposal: my hands, bombs, my Aston Martin, missiles, hats, and so forth. Whatever my rather ingenious mind happens to think of. The only thing more creative about me is the ways in which I have escaped some life-threatening situations. I like to think of myself as quick on my feet."

"I see. Those hands actually strangle and kill people then? They look weak. The old methods are still valued then in your time?"

"Yes. But what do you mean by my time? Are you trying to imply that you time-travel or something else of that ridiculous sort of sci-fi nonsense?"

Before Jade could make any sort of angry response back to Mr. Bond about his notions of the ridiculous, she heard gunshots coming from behind her through the window, causing her to drop to the ground to get her gun. And then she realized that it was missing. Inwardly she cursed Gene for convincing her to allow him to take her gun so that no "accidents" would happen (really, she doubted that she would hate Mr. Bond so much that she would want to shoot him), but she was comforted by the fact that it also meant that Mr. Bond had no gun, as he was not allowed to have any sort of advantage.

With that in mind, she dove behind the nearest chair, while Bond proceeded to look for his gun, and he looked quite annoyed.

"Where is my Walther? It is always right here. Is this courtesy of your friend, Mr. Gene? If so, remind me to thank him personally when he comes back."

"Get in line. That's still twelve hours from now."

"_Twelve_ hours? I thought it was only supposed to last an hour or so."

"No, not at all. He felt it best that the only way we could learn from one another was if we spent some quality time together."

"Well, we will be soon, unless we find a way out of here, and fast. Where there are gunshots, there's bound to be more."

No sooner had the words left his mouth than a small sphere came flying into the room through the broken glass. Bond knew what do.

"Bomb! Get down, close to the door. I will try to disarm it." However, after several futile moments of trying to find a way to stop the incendiary device, he was forced to admit defeat. "I need more tools. We need to get out of here now. We can't go through the window, so we will have to try that door again. Stand back, I'm going to use my watch."

Jade was thoroughly confused by the last few moments. Between seeing a "bomb" and him trying to use a common pocket-watch to break a door, she was at a loss. Naturally, she was quite surprised to see the little watch reveal to have multiple buttons on it, with one releasing string, and another suddenly causing a small explosion that broke through the door at last. Without further ado, Bond grabbed Jade's hand and dragged her down the stairs of the poorly lit, windowless stairwell.

Finally, they came to a door, and so he pushed her behind him. "I'll go first, in case they are waiting to ambush us on the other hand."

Jade had had enough. "If you think I am going to let you just drag me down a hall and walk in ahead of me, as if I am some dumb, helpless damsel that you normally rescue, you have another thing coming. Excuse me, but as I am not going to die, I will go first." Jade then elbowed Bond in the side before pushing past the shocked Bond as she opened the door, ran in, and then stopped just as suddenly. Never had she seen such a place before in her life.

The room, if it could be called a room, had the highest ceiling she had ever seen, with rows and rows of equipment and devices she had never seen or thought possible. Machines on wheels, long pieces of wood, gazebos and chairs just sitting around as though it were normal for them to be indoors. The whirring of foreign noises, and the constant hum from machines and people ambling about, looking at the strange things: there was too much. Culture shock did not begin to describe her feelings at that moment.

"Is this still the same Boston I left behind? It cannot be!"

"You act as though you have never been inside a Home Depot before," Bond said.

"Home Depot? A depot where you store many houses? Seems like an odd thing to have a cache of. Why not weapons? They are far more useful to defeat the troops. How else are we going to get rid of all those arrogant, good-for-nothing British redcoats that keep stealing our stuff around here?"

Bond decided to walk away. He could not be hearing this.

"What's wrong with you, spy boy?"

"I thought the British and Americans were on the same side."

"Since when? We may still be colonies, but not for long! We shall get rid of those redcoats yet. No taxation without representation!"

Bond's answer no doubt would have shown that he understood that time-travel was still questionable, but he was willing to go along with it for her sake since she looked truly confused (that combined with her odd choice of attire), but when more gunshots were heard, he picked Jade up and carried her, kicking and screaming, toward the exit since she was unused to such a place. The fire alarm was also pulled, causing everyone else to run out of the store, and the two of them almost made it to the door before the other men started catching up.

"This is why I needed to meet up with Felix, to deal with these men. Now we will have to get rid of them here and now to prevent others from being hurt."

"Maybe if you put me down, O-" kick, kick, punch-"Brilliant One, I could help you."

He dropped her, but at the same moment, pushed a large amount of garden rakes at the wooden pieces by the entrance of the door, causing a landslide effect of items to fall into the various exits. To add to it, he hopped into one of the cranes and pushed several loads of bricks in front of the large pile to prevent any further entry or leaving.

Jade quickly jumped onto the large vehicle as well, yelling, "Quickly now, they are coming, and we have nothing else here."

"Not yet. We need to prevent them from catching up," he said, as he drove off, taking the crane's end and pushing it at all of the other items on wheels, poking holes in wheels and dents in the vehicle and gas tanks as he made his path of destruction. Jade only looked amazed at all of the destruction as they drove to the opposite end of the store.

Once the pair made it to the opposite end, after removing any other exits they saw along the way, they began to prepare their attack.

"There were six of them chasing after us, and they have weapons. We will have to disarm them before we can kill them."

"Or we could just wait until the time is up, and Gene picks me up. He will take care of all this."

"How?"

"He has his ways."

"Still, it is too far away. They will find us before then, and then what? We need to prepare our strategy now."

"Fine. You make a plan of attack, while I create a fort."

"Consider it done."

With several hours, and three makeshift nail guns created, their defense was working. With all of her experience out in the wild, and Bond's knowledge of modern-day items, Jade had managed to erect a wall out of concrete slabs and insulation to prevent anyone from coming close, with plenty of holes to fit her nail guns. A hot dog stand was also found, supplying them with some food.

Meanwhile, Bond was hard at work creating some nasty surprises for the group of six trying to get them. He had been ambushed twice already as he scouted out useful items like power tools, paint, and any liquids he could scavenge. It had been some time since he had created his own explosives, but he was enjoying it thoroughly. Once in a while, he would see Jade drop by and grab a few items from his stash of interesting items, but he didn't ask questions. No doubt she needed some for her defense, and she was a little too surly to annoy with his questions as to how and why she was there.

After both had been hard at work, it was time to come together to finish them off. Bond was in favor of infiltrating the shelter from behind, while Jade favored a more direct approach.

"This is ridiculous, Bond. We both work in very different ways. They will be expecting us to come in together, one way or the other, and have a battle. I will not allow us to be predictable; my warrior's honor is on the line!"

"Then what do you suggest we do?"

"Naturally, we split up. I will provide a small distraction while you go in from behind, and once you are in, I will come in with my little surprise."

"Are you planning on telling what you have, or am I to be surprised as well?"

"The latter, of course. I may be unfamiliar with all of this, but it doesn't mean that I can't hold my own with all of you. Go ahead, I will be along shortly with my distraction."

Bond shrugged and ran ahead. He was unsure what to think of the aggressive woman, but she was crafty and willing to fight, which he valued. They might make a good team, if they could ever learn to understand each other and the culture differences.

Armed with his homemade bombs, nail guns, and some knives, Bond was ready to sneak his way into the compound. There was one person guarding the outer aisles, and so, after some quick thinking with a steel bar, he chose an aisle and began trying to find a way to pass through the equipment to get to the men faster.

With a path found, he soon caught sight of a couple of men. However, he was beginning to get worried about Jade, as she still had not appeared. What had happened?

No sooner did Bond get into position did he suddenly hear Jade's voice clearly: "Hey, incompetent would-be assassins, over here! You couldn't kill me if you tried!" Bond smiled and shook his head as he watched Jade stand on top of a pile of wood and waved her arms until the men all started running her way. Bond knew he had his moment, and in he went.

Jade quickly jumped off the pile of wood and disappeared down an aisle, laughing and calling them names along the way until out of sight, and then her voice disappeared as well. Two men continued after her, while the rest turned around and headed for base. Bond immediately swooped in, using the element of surprise to send a barrage of nails at one, sending him to the ground. The other two began firing at him, so he began shooting at their hands to keep them from shooting at him.

The nails weren't terribly accurate, and as Bond weaved through the aisles, the men gave chase and kept trying to shoot him. Soon, however, a tortured scream was let loose in the main aisle at the end. Bond made a run for it while the others looked confused, trying to figure out the source.

What Bond saw in the main aisle amazed him. Jade had outdone herself this time, riding on a bicycle taken from their stash, which was attached to the hot dog stand. But it was no longer a hot dog stand. Now, the yellow and red striped umbrella had knives at all the main tips, along with PVC tubing underneath all six of the knives. These tubes were attached with much duct tape and met at one place near the bottom of the pole, where the tubes now looked like a panflute, held together with duct tape and near Jade's mouth. She only grinned as she told him get behind her and watch out for another one as she used her "hot dog stand of doom".

When the two men came out of the aisle, they were baffled by what they saw, but came with guns flying anyway. Jade started pedaling, taking the umbrella out of the stand and putting the panflute in her mouth, using the umbrella as a shield (there was metal on the underside of the umbrella, Bond noticed belatedly) as she blew into the tubes and small projectiles started coming at the men, and they screamed in pain as the fast projectiles rained upon them. Once the men ran out of bullets, Jade started using the umbrella offensively with the knives to slice at the men.

Under much pain from the pellets and nails sent into his skin, one of the men finally managed to get close to and kick Jade, forcing her to drop the umbrella of doom. He sent one punch before she grabbed his arm, wrenched it the other way, and kicked him as hard as she could. Soon he was writhing on the floor, yelling in a high-pitched voice as Bond winced in shared horror at being kicked in such a place (the royal jewels, really?!). Jade took one of the knives off the umbrella of doom before kicking the man one more time and then stabbing him.

The other man stood rather stunned as he watched his colleague die, using the moment Jade was involved in the stabbing to come at her and attack, and so Bond screamed, "Behind you!"

Jade was fast, kicking behind herself as she used the ground for support, sending the man to the ground. He grabbed another of the knives and soon a sort of dance happened as they circled the dead man, each taking stabs at the other. After Jade had received one flesh wound, Bond decided to intervene by tripping the man and stabbing him.

His only response: "You were taking too long."

"I had him just fine, he was growing weaker by the moment, didn't you see the wounds he sustained? Why couldn't you have waited-"

It was then that the final man chasing Jade finally made his appearance from behind the pile that Jade was in front of, gun loaded. Bond acted on instinct.

He pushed Jade to the ground, while taking the last of his bombs and flinging it at the man's face, point blank. The man began tearing before he dropped the gun, so Bond took it and shot him with it. It was all done. They were safe now. He then turned to help Jade off the ground, who looked a little shaken at what happened.

"Why did you do that? You could have died."

"I had to protect you. I figured if that Gene bloke was so insistent upon meeting, then he probably wouldn't want you to die. That and, I always save the girl," he said rather smugly.

"Fine, thank you. I just never thought I would live to see the day that the evil British would actually help the colonists."

"Believe me, in the future, we will be working side-by-side."

"Us, individually, or the colonists and British?"

"The latter, though if you ever decide that you like my world better, I'm sure the MI6 or the Americans would love to have you and your ingenuity around."

"The Americans?"

"Yes, what the colonists become. America."

"America. I like the sound of that."

Suddenly, smoke appeared in the sky and the smiling face of Gene was seen.

"Well, that's my way back home. As nice as the offer is to stay, there are some Templars back home that I need to go and kill. Good luck, and thanks for the watch!" she said, as she grabbed the watch off of Bond's wrist and jumped into the smoke to disappear.

"Well, Q won't be happy when he discovers that I've lost yet another watch."

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**Author's Notes**: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, despite its ridiculousness. This is an entry for a contest by rollingbell where one of her OC's was supposed to meet a fictional character, and I chose James Bond, because I LOOOVEEEE James Bond! Also, apologies to any purists and other James Bond lovers out there, this is very tongue-in-cheek and ridiculous. If you spot any errors in Bond's speech, I apologize, because I am only an American. I try, but it doesn't always work.

When this plot bunny appeared, I had to write. I LOVE James Bond! I've always wanted to write a story involving Bond, and now I have, even if this will never happen in real life. I always imagine that Bond would not believe in time travel or that sort of thing, and I'm sure I have taken other liberties, but that is how I imagine he would react for the most part (even if he talks about himself too much or pushes on those walls). Thanks for reading and/or commenting!

Also, if anyone was curious about the "umbrella of doom" or why choose Home Depot: he is the quick answer. I blame my roommate for thinking of this icebreaker where we were each asked: if you are stuck in Home Depot for twelve hours and have to outlast everyone else in there, and you can have infinite amounts of any three items, what would you choose? (Also, keep in mind that if you have those items, no one else can) Personally, I chose concrete, water, and knives. This way, I could live off water, build a fort of concrete, and keep everyone out, throwing knives at people if they got close. However, my roommate was far more creative and thought of the "hot dog stand of doom" as her way to fight off invaders (I have enhanced the hot dog stand a bit for my own purposes). If you feel like adding your own ideas as to what you would choose if in the situation, feel free to comment!


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